Issue 1: August 1993 - MEET THE PLAYERS

The secret of all successful football teams is the strength and depth of their squad. Sefton Rangers' boss Bertie Vogel has worked tirelessly during the close season in an effort to bolster the ranks and return Rangers to the glory days of the 80s. Here are just a few of the players who are set to play a key role this season. The new squad numbers are in brackets:-

(1): STANLEY MITCHELL
Flamboyant goalkeeper. Taught Neville (Southall), Bruce (Grobelaar) and Tim Flowers everything they know... about left-wing politics. Is keen to see the abolition of the club subs system of contributions in favour of a sort of collective bargaining arrangement based on the amount of times you kick the ball during the course of the game. Will miss the first game of the season due to injuries inflicted during a nightclub brawl.

(15): PAUL 'JOCKY' DEAVES
Every team needs a flame-haired firebrand at the heart of defence and Jocky gives Rangers that edge of invincibiilty. Transferred from Kilmarnock as a youngster, the 'Tartan Sausage', as he has become known, also pops up with useful goals from time to time... usually for the opposition. A reliable sort who always gives 101%

(31) MIKE JONES
Joined Rangers during the close season, a victim of Howard Wilkinson's clear out at Leeds. Another one of Bertie's ginger-haired, German-speaking gendarme, who played against us towards the end of last season. Plyed us with free beer throughout the afternoon despite whooping our arses on the football field so he must be alright.

(101) JIMMY BANKS
An enigmatic sort who could turn the game with one swing of that trusty left foot. Jimmy will trot up and down the flank all day, working tirelessly to feed the frontmen with quality crosses, while providing the defence with support when the need arises. A worker, no doubt about that...

(13) CARL EDWARDSON
Not to be confused with Edward Carlsen, the internationally-renowned, time-served, underwater railway engineer with a penchant for not putting his hand in his pocket to get the beers in. Another enigmatic, big-game sort of a player who would put the ball on sixpence if you said he could keep the sixpence afterwards.

(7) CARL FALLON
Sefton's leading goalscorer, 'the boy himself' has pledged his future to the club despite offers of lucrative deals with Liverpool, Manchester United and Marine. Will organise post-match stay-behinds at the Nethy upon request and is willing to do Peter Beagrie-style backflips across zebra crossings when he's drunk enough.

(9 and 9 1/2) COLIN AND SIMON TOTTY
The twin albino strike force. Will miss the start of the season, though rumours that they are undergoing eye-brow transplants whilst holidaying in Greece have been vehemently denied. Pending any court cases involving wheelchairs and toothbrushes, the diminuitive duo should be available in two weeks.

(5) BILLY SUMNER
The nice guy of the side, carrying on where Bobby Moore left off. Bill is hoping to be back in full training within the next month with a possible comeback in November. However, he has a knee ligament injury booked for December which should seem him out for the rest of the season.

(7) GARY LOMAX
Midfield general. Big-game player who turns it on when it's needed. The oven that is, when he wants to cook his tea. Has received a lot of requests from the rest of the lads, but has decided to carry on playing this season anyway. Will miss the first two weeks of the season due to his impending marriage.

(30) BERTIE VOGEL
The player-manager and leader of the master race. Is confident of his future despite the appointment of Tim Parr as general manager. Useful utility player who never gives less than 25% in the cause. Signed for Rangers from Dynamo Dresden in the 80s. Was offered position as chief UN peace envoy to Bosnia but turned it down to stay in charge of the lads. "This is going to be a big year for Sefton Rangers," he said.

(17) ALEX CREEVY
Was named after 'The Golden Vision' and is pretty much living up to the name. His passes are so wayward, everyone says he must had at least 12 pints of golden for his vision to be so poor. Is lacking match practice, but being a family man may cool his sometimes volatile temperament.

(69) COLIN BURGESS
Or 'Jesus' as he is sometimes called. Rarely parts opposition defences as he did the Red Sea, but is a useful big buy to send on to intimidate the opposition. Intimidates his team-mates just by stepping into the shower.